Moving out was so much work, but moving in is a lot of work too. With a baby who wants to be held much of the day, it is challenging to accomplish much. I got on spurts of getting many things done and purchasing needed items while looking for good deals online or used, but then I get worn out and can't do any house things for awhile, and then am depressed living in the mess or disorganization. I have to admit that I am struggling right now with everything. I feel completely overwhelmed and often angry because my temper and patience are very short. I am often exhausted and just feel like I can't meet the demands of all the little children who need me or want my attention all day. My good habits of reading scriptures individually, as a family, prayer, FHE, mind, body, soul are all very hit and miss and inconsistent. I don't make efforts with my nutrition and feel heavy and low-energy. I get angry when children don't listen and think I must look like a joke when I'm out in public and have no control over my children, or at least persuasive power. I am tired in my mind, body, and spirit. Jeff worked from home for two weeks and it was wonderful, he was so wonderful for the kids. He took them swimming every day, took Lily to the bus stop and picked her up, and did so many things in the yard and around the house. We knew my first week without him would be hard coming off of that, but my second (as it tends to be) was SO hard. The day seemed okay, but the night was awful and I was so short with the kids. They are very forgiving, but it's still very disappointing.

I have not written for awhile, but reading that last paragraph I see how far we have come! We are practically moved in, we are having FHE, scripture study, cleaning the house, reading lessons, watching lots of kids to do service, having people over for dinner, and enjoying our life in North Carolina. Hard things do get better with time. Even if we think we can't bear it any longer and nothing will ever get better, the Lord will keep helping us as we keep trying.

Jeff and I have felt so busy during this phase of our lives with all that we have going on, that sometimes it seems like we are just going day in and day out, spinning wheels, but not moving in a particular direction. I tried to do a healthy meal plan, but felt weak with the fewer calories since I'm still nursing, and then just bagged the whole thing because I didn't want to count calories, which was the other option. I felt like a failure for that and that I can't get my health back in order. I didn't have any goals or things I was working towards. I always had plans on what to clean in the house but that never got done. I had anxiety in my calling because I thought there was always something I should be doing and wasn't. I do the Sunday bulletin, but also the ward history. I am trying to collect stories and pictures and testimonies of people when different experiences or events come up, but asking for something and following up with people to write it can be challenging. However, if I spend some time each day or each week working on it, I know I would feel a lot less anxiety about it. So I have all these thoughts and things I need and want to be working on floating in my brain, but no progress being made on getting them done. I told Jeff that I really loved when I was doing game changer because I planned for my days, I worked hard, and then when it was time for a break I really felt like I had earned it because I had accomplished all my goals for the day. Jeff and I decided we wanted to add this into our lives to help us make our days more deliberate. Wow! What a change that made. After one night of planning, we both woke up ready to work. Jeff did yard work with the kids, I cleaned all the bathrooms (which I have been wanting to do for a very long time), I ran for 30 minutes (ran 5-6 minutes, walked for 2), which I haven't done in who knows how long, I am writing in this blog, and a number of other things. I have felt this energy to be pursuing goals again and to be living intentionally. I amazed myself because I sometimes see myself as someone not able to reach my goals, but I can and I did.